Love is not a four letter word

I am a girl that dosnt use the word LOVE. But for the past few weeks I fine myself wanting to use it more and more but have no one to tell. I keep trying to tell myself that I dont need to say it but that just makes me want to say it more. I am not sure I am old enough to be useing the term I love you unless with my family ( an this person is deffinatly not in my family). I cant tell him I love him because even to me it sounds to much to handel especally at my age. The other reason is that one of my close friends is also in love with him and I dont think i could do that to her. I feel that someday soon this will all blow over in my mind but I cant look at him everyday an think of would could happen if I tell him how I really feel right now. Love is sappose to be a happy feeling right? well then why do I feel so shitty. so for right now all I want is this...... I hope someday somebody wants to hold me for 20 minutes straight and thats all they do. They dont pull away. They dont look at my face. They dont try to kiss me. All they do is wrap me up in their arms without an ounce of selfishness in it. That all I want out of life at this very moment.

I have two familys. You may be wondering how I have two familys, well if you have like 8 years I can tell you all about my second family. When I was 8 I started going to burns camp. The first year I had the best time of my life, only the people at camp would understand how amazing camp is. I am now almost 18 years old and am still attending camp every july. I have met so many people who are just like me whom face the same problems on a day to day basis. See what you dont know about my second family is that we all have two things in common, we all love camp and we are all burned in one way or another. Even after the week of camp ends we still keep in touch we even see eachother an hangout. There isnt a day that goes by that I dont think about camp or a story from camp. As close as we all are there are a few of use that are litterally as close as brothers an sisters ( Steph,Clairessa,Jack,Chris,Jimmy) you wouldnt even understand or belive half the stuff that we do. This is the one plalce i can truly be myself Even if they call me a different name. To all of them I am Coco, I dont know why they do but i was dubed Coco after my first day of camp when I was 8. There are stories I couldnt even tell peole outside of the camp. One of my favorite stories is the times that a few of the seniors got together and teepeed everything possible (waterfront, middle boys, middle girls. Then we hide in the firetruck to escape the rath of Hope (crazy camp director). We continued to do bad things all night like shaving cream on everything and then we stayed up all night only to have all the head couslers be DISSAPOINTED in use for our behavior that past night.
THe only place where "I can makee my stories".
my second family.



Life has to be a little nuts sometimes. Otherwise it's just a bunch of Thursdays strung together.

drivng test

SO last night I got out of work got in my car and was surprised by my friend. so being stupid teenagers we stood in the parking lot for an hour just talking about things and summer just life ingeneral. It was around 12:45 when we left to go to another friends house so I left my car because gas is to much to take 2 cars driving around. Legally My friend and I are only aloud to be driving until 12:30. We pull out of the parking lot and start to drive, not fast, not like assholes. We are driving along and a good song comes on and well we turn it up and start to jam out but not to loud. Out of nowhere a fucking cop is drivng the opposite way and Chad starts to freak saying Im still on probation I am going to get stopped I just know it. So we pass the cop going nice an slow... Thinking we are in the clear we keep driving on and as I look in the rearview mirror the cop car starts to turn around real slow. So now we are all freaking out Chad, Amanda and I but the cop still didnt have his lights on so we kept driving like 50feet. The lights go on and we pull over. this was around 2:45. The cops get out and come to both sides of the car. With no reason what so ever they ask all of us to exit the car slowly and ask for our ID. ofcourse The one night i forget it i get fucking pulled over!! so i said I dont have it and they start to ask all these questions and I have no answers so they start to do a subritty test right there on the street. They finally had the car towed and we were all put in the back of the cruser and driven to the station to await the fate of our parents. Mine were sleeping so I ended up spending the night sitting in the station talking to a hot cop all night, making coffee and playing with cuffs and looking up sex offenders. It was the oddest night in a long time. ( hot cop on the left)

Yes these are my two bestfriends!!!They are always there. Oh and not only am I there for them as well but I am going to be an aunt to there babies!! Yup thats right! Infact in about 8 months I will be an Auntie to Clairessa (left) little girl/boy. This picture was taken on Jones Beach in NY. And that is the large penis in the backround. No it is not an acutal penis I just like to call it that.

The asshole on my right.

I have had this thing with a guy I have known since freshmen year of high school it is now summer of my senior year and we have finally made somthing of our many years of flirting and funny talks and just random meaningless encounters. This summer I thought it was all going to change for us (well I hoped) So I jumped at the chance to spend time with him before I leave for my last year at camp, we stayed up all night talking an watcing movies (which he let me pick) So finally at 5 in the morning he turns to me and asked if I want to go any farther. Confussed I said yes. The next thing I know we arent friends anymore but now we are much closer in a phsycial sence. Time passes he falls asleep and I lay there thinking what the hell just happened(totally willingly by the way) but instead of waking him up to talk I just lay there as if im dead. Laying there as if i had just been used and left for someone else. Day breaks and I am still just thinking about the years before when everything was basicly spelled out for me and wished we could go back to then, when he wakes up looks at me and smiles, gets up and leaves. Not even trying to be nice he just gets up an leaves infront of me. I still cant look at him or talk to him the same way. two days ago we were so close,now we dont even say hi. Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They're shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they're gone.

Bacon

Instead of wispering a sweet nothing in my ear how about wispering a sweet somthing and
why is it that you bake cookies and cook bacon. these are just a few things i think about when i cant sleep. I also think about how i am going to spend the day ahead of me. I think The best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you are so excited you cant sleep. Like on the night of the first day of school or for me the night before camp!

For starters!

I am Coco. 18. I have brown hair and blue eyes an i am about 5-3 Live in a pretty small boring town. Thats about it.